Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
