shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
