I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize