he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
