Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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