I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
