Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
