In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
