i think i have herpe
just one?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
