i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
