Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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