i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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