Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
