He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
