I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
