she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
