My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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