I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
