Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
