He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
