I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize