I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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