he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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