oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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