Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He kissed a someone with a penis
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize