my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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