he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
