phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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