I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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