i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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