we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
