you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
