I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He did a backflip because drugs
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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