That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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