There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
