I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
