fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize