Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
