What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
