I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize