he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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