i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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