I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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