I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
