her facebook's as public as her vagina
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
