i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
