PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
