You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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