It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
being pregnant is like rehab
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
