ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize