if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
