Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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