I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
In America we eat man semen.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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