is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize