if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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