just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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