I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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