Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
